The Way Things Could Have Been
by binda9
Summary: what would be different if Derek had filed for divorce after finding Addison in bed with Mark? What would he have been thinking? MerDer eventually. Rated for language and sexual content. Updated with chapter 5.
1. Divorce Papers and Mental Notes

_Since when is it this hard to write y our own name?_

Derek Shepherd was sitting in the kitchen of his Manhattan brownstone with a pen in his hand. He couldn't remember how long he'd been sitting there but he knew it had been longer than fifteen minutes. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his raven-black hair. Sitting in front of him on the counter were the words "Declaration of Divorce." The words seemed so finite. They silently mocked him. It was bitterly ironic that the words seemed to signal the end of everything at the same time his world decided to come crashing down around him. Eleven years of marriage had come down to those words.

Before he could stop himself again he signed his name at the bottom of the page. "Derek Shepherd, M.D.", he said aloud as his pen swept across the page. The line below his signature was still blank. His wife would sign it when she got home from work. She would no longer be Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd.

Derek took one last look around his empty house. His house. The words repeated themselves over and over in his mind. It had never really felt like his house. No matter where he looked he couldn't see any touches of him, only Addison. She had picked out every wall color, tile, counter surface, utensil, picture frame, fabric, and every other item in the goddamned house. He even let her pick out his toothbrush, for Christ's sake. When did he let her take over his life? He could scarcely remember life before Addison. Now he would have to struggle to find a life without her.

He slowly walked up the stairs to get his bags out of the bedroom. He looked at the photos on the wall as he made his way up the stairs. Derek and Addison on their wedding day. Derek and Addison on their honeymoon. Derek and Addison at the hospital. Derek and Addison and Mark having dinner together. Derek and Mark drinking a beer together. Photos of happier times over the past eleven years. He studied the pictures with Mark in them. He stared at the face of the man who called himself Derek's best friend. _With friends like that..._,Derek thought to himself. Mark's smiling face made Derek want to punch his fist through the wall.

He finished climbing the stairs and stopped short of his bedroom door. He desperately tried not to think about what he found in here the previous night. He struggled to keep the images out of his head as he turned the knob and opened the door. Once he saw the bed, it became hopeless. He sighed heavily as he recalled coming home last night. The minute he had stepped foot in the house he knew something was wrong. Nothing seemed wrong but he couldn't shake this feeling that had swept over him. The feeling was nothing new to Derek; he experienced it all the time when he was in the OR. There have been times during surgery where he just somehow knew what was going to happen next. This was the feeling he had standing in the foyer of his brownstone. And then it comes to him.

He walked up the stairs and stepped over a man's jacket. He could hear voices as he approached his bedroom door. He slowly swung open the door and was completely unsurprised by what he saw happening in his bed. His wife and best friend were lying in bed, practically mid-coitus, on his favorite sheets. The only thing that surprised Derek about the situation was his total lack of emotion. He felt no anger, no jealousy, and no pain. Suffice it to say that he just didn't care. He could see that Addison and Mark were yelling out apologies and excuses but he couldn't hear a word they were saying. He just simply walked out of the room and closed the door.

Derek blinked his eyes and found himself in the present. He was standing in his bedroom at the foot of the bed. He glanced around the room that was also decorated by Addison. It was about as warm and inviting as a den of lions. It was enough to make anyone want to run in the other direction. Except for Mark, of course. He grabbed his luggage off of the bed and walked back down to the kitchen. He looked at the clock on top of the stove. It read 3:12 am. If he left now, he would make his first scheduled stop by sunrise. He set his bags down and looked at the ring on his left hand. The ring had always felt awkward on his hand. Surgeons aren't allowed to wear jewelry in the OR so most forego wearing their wedding rings, Derek especially. He only ever wore it whenever Addison reminded him. She, on the other hand, always wore her rings. She'd pin them to her scrubs during surgery. However, she wasn't in surgery nearly as often as Derek. He was the country's most sought after neurosurgeon. This kept him in the OR for nearly 18 hours every day. It was pointless for him to wear the ring. Now that he had signed divorce papers, it was pointless for him to even have the ring. He slid the ring off his finger and set it on top of the divorce papers. He walked out to his old SUV and threw his bags in the back. He walked back up to the front door, slid the key in the lock, and turned it. He made a mental note to mail the key to Addison when he got to Seattle.


	2. One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

Derek made it to the Ohio-Pennsylvania border before he finally took a rest stop. He had planned to stop about four hours ago but he wanted to put as much distance between himself and Addison as soon as possible. It was now almost 9:30 a.m. EST. He needed three things: a bed, food, and liquor. He pulled into the parking lot of a motel just off of the interstate. It wasn't exactly the Ritz-Carlton, but Derek was willing to negotiate on the level of comfort. As long as it had a bed, it would be the next best thing to heaven.

He hauled one of his bags out of the back of his car and opened the door to his room. The stench of stale beer and cigarettes threatened to choke the very life out of him. Apparently, the motel manager wasn't too keen on making sure the rooms were cleaned out after every guest. Derek wagered that the room was last cleaned sometime around the late 1970s, seeing as how that was certainly the last time it was decorated. The shag carpeting in particular was a nice touch. The furnishings didn't fare much better. On the wall to his right stood a bureau with a mirror barely hanging on the wall. The wall to his left held the night stand with a phone book and the Bible in the drawer and, of course, the bed. It didn't add up to much but Derek didn't need much more than this.

The first thing he did was try to sleep. He was going on about 27 hours without so much as one shut eye. He had finished his last shift at Manhattan General the day before. He performed one craniotomy and two spinal surgeries, discharged three of his patients, did post-op notes, and left instructions for the new neurosurgeon, all in addition to avoiding Addison and Mark. Needless to say, it had been a busy day for Derek.

As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was out like a light. Years of being a surgeon had trained his body to sleep on a moment's notice. Surgeons work long hours and spend most nights sleeping in on-call rooms between shifts. Derek looked at it as just one of the pitfalls of being a surgeon, but he wouldn't trade his job for anything. Being a surgeon was his way of giving back to society. For him, it was all about helping people and being a compassionate human being. All the money, the awards, and the recognition meant nothing to him. He'd seen so many of his colleagues fall prey to the arrogance that tends to come with the title of being a doctor. More surgeons cared about their mortality rates than their patients. He simply enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing his patients walk out of the hospital with their loved ones. It keeps him grounded. It keeps him human.

Derek was awoken by the grumbling of his stomach. He looked at the clock on the night stand. It was now after 2:00 p.m.. He hadn't eaten anything substantial since he left Manhattan. He had stopped at a gas station somewhere in New Jersey and bought a Power Bar. That was well more than ten hours ago. He decided it was time to take care of the second thing on his current list of needs. He took a shower in a futile effort to rid his body of the stale stench of his motel room. He'd probably smell like this until his next stop at a motel that would have its own unique odor.

He asked the hotel manager where the nearest restaurant was and the man directed him to a place less than five minutes down the road. The sign above the door read "Mel's Tavern." He hoped to God that it had some decent food. He pulled up a chair at the bar and looked over the menu, which offered an array of hamburgers, sandwiches, and any other grease soaked entree that would surely clog a man's arteries before you could say "heart attack." He had just decided to try the turkey club when the waitress whose name tag read "Suzie" walked up to him.

"What can I get for you, sweetie?"

By the time she finished speaking, Derek had already estimated that she was a sun-worshiper during her youth. Her skin looked like worn out leather and covered her body in wrinkles. It seemed to Derek that she had discovered the healthy effects of sun screen too late in life.

"I'll have the turkey club with the mayonnaise on the side, please," he replied.

"And what would you like to drink with that?"

She posed a good question. Derek was never the type to drink this early in the day. He normally saved his drinking until after dinner. But, hey, it's five o'clock somewhere, right?

"I'll have a beer."


	3. Drunken Tears

Derek stumbled into his motel room around 2 a.m.. He had officially been drinking for just under 12 hours. He had drunk about three beers before he moved to his more preferred beverage, scotch. He'd stopped counting his drinks after number five but his bar tab was astronomical so he was quite sure that he'd done some serious damage. His waitress had tried to convince him to take a cab back to his motel but he'd refused. There was no point in paying for a five minute cab drive down a deserted country road. Luckily, he'd made it back to his room without causing harm to anyone, except maybe his liver.

As soon as he closed the door to his room, he collapsed on the bed. He took in a deep breath through his nose and let it out his mouth in an attempt to quell the rumbling in his stomach. It had been years since Derek had drunk this much alcohol in one night so he wasn't surprised when his stomach decided to turn on him. He was suddenly thankful that he had something to eat before he started drinking.

He turned over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. An image of Addison flashed before him. He rubbed his eyes furiously, as if to rub her face from his mind permanently. This was the first time since he'd left Manhattan that he was unable to stop himself from thinking about her. During his drive he would occupy his mind by playing inane road trip games like counting how many license plates he saw from out of state or cars with particular colors, but lying in his motel bed with alcohol coursing through his veins and clouding up his brain, he was powerless to stop his thoughts from floating to her and he had no choice but to let his emotions overtake him. The alcohol was tearing down the wall he had built between himself and his emotions and he was now open to feeling all kinds of pain and anger.

Anger was the first emotion Derek experienced, closely followed by hatred. He seriously hated Addison and Mark for betraying him. He wondered how long they had been carrying on. Was it a one time, spur of the moment type thing or were they actually having a full-blown affair? Derek couldn't be sure. The only two people who knew the answer to that question were the ones who stabbed him in the back. He could feel his blood start to boil as he replayed the scene in his bedroom over and over again. He saw his wife straddling Mark with her head thrown back in ecstacy. His hands were running a trail from her hips to her breasts and back down again. Picturing this didn't elicit any pangs of jealousy from Derek, just pure, boiling rage.

His boiling anger quickly gave way to pain. Although he was still furious and was certain that he didn't want her back, he was still hurt by her cruel act of adultery. He thought back to when they got married eleven years ago. Their relationship had held such promise. They were both surgical interns with promising careers ahead of them. They had almost nothing in common except medicine, he was one of five children of working class parents while she was the only daughter of wealthy New York socialites, but they were deeply in love and committed to making their marriage work. Their first years as man and wife were filled with wedded bliss. They were absolutely crazy about each other and screwed like hormone crazed teenagers. They'd sneak into linen closets or on-call rooms on days where they knew they'd be stuck in the hospital. Addison was the first and only woman Derek had ever made love to and he was sure that she was the love of his life. But, like in most relationships, the passion waned and was replaced with work and the everyday trials of life. They both became incredibly successful in their respective fields. She became the foremost neonatal specialist in the country in addition to being a board certified OB-GYN while he became an equally successful neurosurgeon. Along with their successful careers came demanding hours in the OR away from each other, not to mention the hefty paychecks.

As time went on, they drifted apart from each other. Instead of being able to devote their attention to their relationship, their careers became their number one priority. Also, time tends to change people and Derek Shepherd was no exception. There was no denying that he had become bored with his life in Manhattan. He yearned for a simpler way of life, the life he lived before he married Addison. He realized that he had given up a huge part of himself when they married. He used to love all kinds of outdoor activities like camping and fly fishing. Unfortunately, there weren't many places to do either of those things in downtown Manhattan. Their house in the Hampton's was about as outdoors as Addison was willing to go. He knew that he wanted a change in his life but he knew that she would never understand. He saw how much she loved living the life of a Manhattan socialite. Instead of talking to his wife about how he felt, he unintentionally pulled away from her. Then, one day after work, he came home to find her making love to his best friend.

Lying on his motel bed, he could feel the tears roll down his cheeks before he even realized that he was crying. He soon started sobbing uncontrollably. He sat up on the bed, buried his face in his hands and wept. He wept for his failed marriage, for the pain of finding his wife in bed with another man, and for the realization that he was partly responsible for Addison's adultery. But, most of all, he wept for the past that he could never regain nor change and for an uncertain future waiting for him in Seattle.


	4. Bumps in the Road

Derek was back on the road the next morning. He drove as much as he could and stopped only when necessary. He was determined to make it to Seattle as soon as possible. Two days ago he just wanted to put as much distance between himself and Addison as soon as possible, but after his drunken episode the previous night, it became less about getting away from her and more about his future. He had grieved for the end of his marriage and was now moving on with his life. All he saw in front of him was the limitless horizon of the future, ripe with possibilities.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone. He almost forgot that he'd turned it back on after his last rest stop. He had turned it off when he left his brownstone for fear that Addison might call. If he had a choice, he would leave it off until he reached Seattle, but he needed to have it on in case someone else tried to get a hold of him.

He looked down at the caller ID and saw that it was a number he didn't recognize. He didn't think Addison would trick him into answering his cell phone, but he couldn't be too sure. He cautiously pressed the answer button.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Derek. It's Richard."

Derek breathed a sigh of relief. He may be in the process of moving on with his life, but that doesn't mean he's ready to have a conversation with his ex.

"Richard! I wasn't expecting to hear from you yet. How are you and Adele?"

"I'm just fine and Adele is doing well, thank you. What about you? How are you holding up?"

"I'm doing as well as I can, given the circumstances. I am looking forward to getting back to work. I can't thank you enough for the job offer."

"No need to thank me, Derek. I only want the best as head of my neurosurgery department and you are the best. It was a business decision."

Derek chuckled. "So, the fact that I'm a former student and longtime friend didn't affect your decision whatsoever?"

"Absolutely not."

"Liar," he retorted. He had missed this easy, fun relationship that he had with Richard. Richard Weber was Derek's resident during his internship at Manhattan General. Richard soon became his mentor and longtime friend. They had kept in touch after Richard took the position as Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital years ago. When Derek had alerted Richard as to his discontent in Manhattan, he didn't hesitate to offer Derek a job as head of the neurosurgery department at SGH. To sweeten the deal, Richard also offered to put him on the fast track to Chief of Surgery once Richard retired. Derek was definitely enticed by the prospect, although he did have some competition. Dr. Preston Burke also had his eyes on the prize. He was the foremost cardio-thoracic surgeon in the country and the number one surgeon at SGH with the lowest mortality rate. He also had an ego the size of Texas, from what Derek had heard. They had never met, but like Derek's, Preston's reputation preceded him. Even so, Derek welcomed the competition. Anything to distract him from his personal life.

"So, what state are you in, now," Richard asked.

"Uh, I think Michigan. I'd say about an hour from the Wisconsin border."

"Wow. You're making pretty good time."

"Nothing else to do except drive."

"I guess not. Anyway, back to business. I wanted to give you my number here at the hospital so that you can call me when you get into the city and we can arrange a time to fill out the paper work before you start your first shift."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Do you have a permanent place to live here yet?"

"No. I was planning on staying in a hotel until I find a house."

"If you'd like, I could give your number to a realtor buddy of mine. He could start looking for a place until you get here."

"That would be great. Thanks, Richard."

"It's the least I could do for my new head of neuro. Anyway, my number at the hospital is 555-5555. Give me a call when you get into the city and I'll have my friend give you a call sometime tomorrow."

"Great. I'll talk to you then. Bye."

He hung up the phone and took a deep breath. That conversation had renewed his energy. It made his situation seem more real and manageable. His future was no longer uncertain and he liked knowing that. He was going to go back to work saving lives and eventually this whole mess would be just another bump in the road.


	5. Welcome to Seattle

1Chapter 5: Welcome to Seattle

Exactly six days after he left Manhattan, Derek finally entered the city limits of Seattle. The first thing he did was check into a hotel and sleep. He had spent the past six days crashing in seedy motels, getting a less than desirable amount of sleep. Now that he had reached his final destination, he made getting a good night's sleep his top priority. Richard had wanted Derek to get in touch as soon as he arrived in Seattle, but Richard would just have to wait. So what if he was the Chief of Surgery and Derek's new boss? He wouldn't be of much use to Richard if he wasn't well rested.

As Derek slept, he dreamed of being back in the OR. He envisioned himself standing over a body, scalpel in hand, poised to dig in to the tough shell of the human body. Derek had always enjoyed the feeling of control during a surgery. With a scalpel in his hand, he could summarily and expertly execute any decision without hesitation. There were no grey areas in surgery, only black and white. He often wished that the real world could be more like an operating room. Real life was often messy and full of shades of grey. It was always easier to take control in the OR than in real life. Derek could predict the consequences of his actions during surgery, doing this in the real world, however, was trickier. For Derek, it was easier to let someone else take the reins and just go with the flow rather than make his own decisions. First, his mother had always filled that position, then when he became a man, Addison had been all too eager to play mother to him. Of course, it wasn't totally her fault. Derek had never spoken up. He'd simply sat back and watched his life pass him by, like a movie on a projector. But that was the past and Derek swore to move on from who he was and become who he'd always wanted to be. Someone who executes their decisions with confidence in every area of their lives, someone who takes control and goes after what they want. Derek was done watching his life pass by.

His dreams were suddenly interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He sat up, turned the light on, and fished his cell phone out of his briefcase.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Derek. It's Dan Phillips from Century 21 Realty. How are you doing this evening?"

Derek had almost forgotten about the realtor that Richard had recommended. Derek called him while he was somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin and hadn't heard from him since Wyoming. He had been a little worried that Dan wasn't sure of exactly the type of property that Derek was looking for. He wanted lots of open space on which he could build his own house. He wanted a lake where he could go fly fishing and watch the sunrise. He wanted a life totally different from the one he had in Manhattan. He just didn't quite know how to explain that to a complete stranger.

"Dan, of course. I'm well, thank you. And yourself?"

"I'm just great. I have some good news. I think I may have found exactly what you are looking for. It's a 10 acre property on the outskirts of the city, close to the hospital, but not too close. And it has a lake."

Derek could practically hear him smiling over the phone. He sounded absolutely confident that he had found the perfect place for Derek.

"Fantastic. Put in an offer for me."

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "You don't want to see it first?" He sounded incredulous.

"I trust you, Dan. If you say it's perfect, then I believe you. Call me and let me know if it goes through."

"You're the boss. I'll call you later."

Derek hung up the phone. He couldn't believe that he actually just put in an offer on a property without seeing it or knowing how much it cost. He was never usually this impetuous. Then again, he did commit to making more decisions and following through with them. Buying property was a good place to start.

The next morning, Derek woke up and decided to get lost in Seattle. His main goal was to locate grocery stores, shopping centers, restaurants, and other places he would need to know in order to live here. He meandered his way through bustling downtown streets and eventually found his way to quieter residential areas. He looked at the houses and pictured the families that lived in them. Images of doting husbands, caring wives, dutiful children, and family pets filled his head. He felt a painful longing to have a life that resembled normality. He was a great uncle to his nieces and nephews but it no longer satisfied him like it once did. He longed for children of his own but Addison was never ready to be a mother. She was content to ride her wave of success, unwilling to surrender her career to start a family with her husband. Derek had always harbored some resentment towards her because of this. Another nail in the coffin that was Derek and Addison's marriage.

After he located several necessary establishments, he found his way to Seattle Grace Hospital. He aimlessly wandered around the hallways until he finally found Richard's office. Richard was sitting at his desk, going over some important document, no doubt. Derek lightly rapped his knuckles against the door.

Richard look up from the sheet of paper he was reading. "Derek. You've arrived. I wish you would have given me a call, I would have set aside some time for us to meet."

Derek stepped inside the room and closed the door. "I'm sorry," he began. "I should have called. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"No, no. You've caught me at a good time, lucky for you. I don't usually have a lot of spare time, as you can imagine."

"Ah, yes. The never-ending duties of the Chief of surgery. I can only imagine." He did imagine. Quite frequently, Derek often found himself picturing his future as Chief of Surgery in some hospital. Now he was on the fast track to becoming SGH's next Chief. How could any surgeon in their right mind turn down such a gorgeous offer?

"I'm sure you can." Richard walked around his desk and extended his hand to Derek. "It's good to see you again," he said as he shook Derek's hand. "I can't tell you how excited I am that you took me up on my offer. New York's loss is Seattle's gain, huh?"

Derek chuckled. "Well, I don't know about that, but I will certainly do my best."

"I know you will and I expect nothing but the best from a surgeon such as yourself." Richard's smile faded as he recalled the real reason Derek left New York. He placed his hand on Derek's shoulder. "How are you doing, really?"

He looked up into Richard's eyes. He took in a deep breath and let it out. "I'm...dealing. I think I've gone through all the stages. I've been angry, hurt, remorseful, and every other emotion you can think of. I'm moving on." He nodded his head once to emphasize his point.

"Good. You're no good to me if your going to be distracted by your personal life."

"Actually, I'm looking forward to being distracted from my personal life, so you won't have to worry about that."

Richard's smile returned. "Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor. That's good. Show's character."

They spent the next thirty minutes catching each other up on things that have occurred since they last met. They recalled stories from the days of Derek's internship and residency. After they exhausted every possible topic of conversation, Richard pulled out a file full of papers and forms that required Derek's signature. He signed each one with a smile on his face, happy to see some concrete evidence that he was beginning a new phase in his life.


	6. Message to the Readers

1Message from the author-

First of all, I want to say thanks to all of you readers who have commented and reviewed my story. It means a lot to me to know that other people enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Also, if you've added my story to your favorites or alerts lists, I also thank you.

I know some of you have expressed impatience with the pace of my story. I promise you there is a reason why I've dealt with other things before introducing Derek to Meredith. I think if you go back and read the chapters again, you'll see the transformation that Derek had to go through before he could meet Meredith. One of the things I wanted to change from the way things actually happened was that Derek never dealt with the pain of Addie's betrayal before meeting Meredith. In my story, he has and now he's ready for the relationship that he eventually develops with Meredith.

The next chapter is the one I'm sure you've all been waiting for. Derek meets Meredith. I have a few things I want to say about this chapter. I would have had it up sooner, but I wanted to rewrite some of the dialogue between them in the bar. Meredith came off sounding kinda slutty which is not the direction I wanted to go. I mean, yeah, she picks up guys in bars and has drunken sex with them, but that's not who she really is. It's just the way she's learned to deal with her life when things suck. So that part is going to get completely rewritten. I might have it up next week.

The other part of this chapter is something I feel I should warn you guys about. We all know they had sex the first night they met and I wrote my version of what I thought occurred between them. It contains graphic sexual content so if you are uncomfortable reading that sort of material, don't read the second part. As for the rest of you, I hope you enjoy reading about our favorite TV couple. ;)

binda9


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